2004-12-14 @ 10:51 a.m.
Ok, Now I've Seen Everything
So it's December 14th, which means I get paid tomorrow.
...In other news, in case you haven't noticed, it's the holiday season. You can tell it's the "Holiday Season" (i.e. CHRISTMAS) because not only is everything covered in fake wreaths, ornaments and cheesy Santa figurines, but all the stores are packed with desparate mothers, fathers and employees trying to find their 'perfect' gifts.
And now I am part of that group. No, I'm not pregnant, I just work for a large company with lots and lots of bosses. Plus a guy that I would LIKE to be my boss. So I have researched possible gifts for these people. Let me know what you think:
Nothing says "I enjoy working for you, and I would appreciate a raise" than an Albino Bowler Action Figure. Oh yes. An Albino. Bowler. Action. Figure. Not sure what's going on in his 'crotch-region'...my guess is that he has to wear padding because he is albino and gets kicked in the nuts a lot. He then akes out his frustration by bowling. And what a bowler he is! He even has a matching ball!
If Bleached-Like-Skin Athletes aren't your thing, try a replica of the famous 'A Christmas Story' Leg Lamp. Your boss will surely favor you over his other boring gift-basket-givin' employees when he receives a lamp that not only looks like a prostitutes amputated leg, but shines his office with the love that only a receptionist could offer.
Hungry for fudge? This oh-so-cute piggy 'poops' chocolate! Merry Christmas, I hope you like crap!
A ceramic smoking baby. No more explanation needed. Other than the fact that it is ceramic seems a little unnecessary.
Can't afford therapy? Suffer from sleepless nights praying for a miniature talking psychotherapist? Then the Sigmund Freud talking doll is right for you.
And now, the best gift of all. Nothing says 'Happy Birthday Jesus' than a Pregnant Lady Keychain. The 'baby' in a ball can actually come out when you want, for which you can then hold in your arms, just like a real baby. Because real babies come in glass spheres, attached to a keychain....My plan is to buy 50 of these and pass them out to everyone in my company.
If I do not get a raise or a promotion by Jan., then I will know it's because I did not splurge and give everyone on my list the beautiful and definitely-not-gross, literal, Sperm Bank. Haha, get it? Sperm bank?