Favorite Quotes

Since I am kinda bored, and I can't think of anything original to say, here are some of my favorite quotes and jokes.

* You catch your child swearing. Do you wash his mouth out with soap? Or do you sit him down and explain that he'd better not fucking do it again? I think you know what to do" -Conan O'Brien

* "Now get out of that green jumpsuit and show me that fat ass!"-Astronaut Jones

* To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

* You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

* "There are some unfortunate people who don't even have coats this winter, and if you're like me, you have a whole closet of coats just lying around that you don't use. So what do you do? Wear a different coat every day, wear 2 or 3 coats at a time, dress your dog up in a coat, ANYTHING! That way, when some stupid charity person comes around, you can say: 'No, I don't have any coats I'm not using, so why don't you go to hell??'" ~Max Weinberg

* As seen on Conan; Emeril's resume:

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1959: I was born - BAM!

1965: Discovered what's good with peanut butter - JAM!

1973: Forgot to study for science test - CRAM!

1976: Had first sexual experience - PAM!

1984: Closed door too hard - SLAM!

Oct. 2001: Heard sitcom was pulled from schedule - DAMN!

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* It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

* Aibohphobia: fear of palindromes.

* Bananas are nothing like stoplights. Green means: 'hold on'. Yellow means: 'go ahead'. And red means: 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'

* Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis

* If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

* If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

* One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.-Deep Thoughts

* Well a new day has come, but I tend to think that a lot lately....usually daily.