12% : newest : archive : profile : book : notes : e-mail

an inez design.
Copyright 2002-2015

Fear and Loathing:my brain story

2004-10-29 @ 2:00 a.m.


Going through these 'phases' of my life really blows. It's been two months since I've really felt like 'myself'. But that's really a false statement, because this IS how I am. I'm both of these people. Crazy, silly goofy, or self-deprecating, self-hating, ice-cream-addicted jackass who never calls her friends back or never leaves her apartment aside from going work. Which by the way...
Yeah, it's a great day, thanks for asking.
My work will become less stressful very soon..hopefully. ...but I can't blame my job for the depth of hatred that I feel for myself when I'm like this. F this stupid diary and me trying to be funny.
The fear of not being creative and 'witty' and 'funny' is the only reason I haven't made any entries lately. But like Rudy said at the first SNL after 9/11 "Why start now?" (note this is a reference to whoever plays me in the SNL trivial pursuit game will have to SUCK IT)
Anyway, people apparently come here to read my funny tales and read stupid captions. Here's the deal though: My life is the same all the time. It's just a matter of how I interprit it. And right now no matter what little anecdotes that I could be writing about, it'll all come out the same way.
So lame.
My friends have been calling me to hang out, etc. I haven't called any of them back. I haven't really done anything lately other than go to work, come home from work, eat 'meals on wheels'. (And by 'wheel's' I mean the wheels of the pizza or chinese delivery man) ...Then I stay up all night watching tv until 3am, then wake up at 8 the next morning to start it all over again.
My work day consists of answering the stupid stupid phones all day long. People call in asking the most inane shit, demanding to speak to 'more important people'. Telling me I mean nothing to them, I am not important, I do not matter, my company is not professional. I guess if you are told those things enough times you actually start to believe it. But it's not my fault b/c people at my work are too busy to talk to these people..so they blame me. Then some co-workers find it necessary to hang up on me when I call over to see if they want to talk to Joe Whomever. Instead of doing the curtteous thing of saying 'could you put him to my voice mail, please?" People have become accustom to saying 'voicemail' and slamming down the phone. I swear I'm losing my hearing in my left ear.
If I don't get into the editing part of the company by Christmas I'm going to asplode. I'm thinking the Editing Guy is going to hire me as an assistant to a new editor he hired recently. This guy is phat rad crazy awesome. He's not even from this country. We pursuaded him to come all the way from South America to work for us. I just hope that since this guy doesn't come cheap that they'll have enough to hire me as assistant editor... if not, I don't know how much more of this receptionarism I can take. I mean this is all in my head anyway. No one has even mentioned definitively that he will hire me. It's all speculation on my part, and daily reminders to him. Ugh.

Until something really interesting happens, or I actually go and buy that pursuit game I don't think I'll update. I'm not giving up on this diary, I am just not feelin' it.
But I do appreciate all of you that do read this. Everyday at least 100 people come in here, even when I don't update. I don't know who most of you are, but I do appreciate it.
So thanks. :)

previous + next

16 comments so far