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I immediately regret this entry

2014-10-21 @ 9:50 p.m.

Thoughts of a house-wife-Mom-awesome-pirate:

I bet if I bought ďMom jeansĒ no one would notice. I usually wear my husbandís shirts or a sweatshirt, anyway. And seriously, I mind as well continue to wear these maternity pants. They look like real pants, but they have an elastic waist. I donít know why all pants arenít like this. Theyíre actually pretty comfy. After two c-sections, I have ceased to own a waist. It has ceased to be. Maybe I should ask my OB about that. She could have done me a favor and took some fat out while she cut two babies out of me. Itís the least she could do. The reality is my torso is just one long blob from my chest to my butt. My waist is probably where my umbilical hernia is, right? Yeah, that sounds about right. Iím pretty sure these giant panties will cover up everything real well. Thankfully my boobs are still gigantor. I like to pretend it covers up my still pregnant-looking belly.

I canít believe I forgot my coupons at home. This is the last day of Super Doubles at Harris Teeter, and this shampoo would have been $2.00 off. Thatís such a good deal, I want to cry. Oh, look Ben and Jerryís is on sale, so I should probably get those. I deserve it. Who are these people kidding about these serving sizes? They actually think a pint is four servings? If you donít eat the entire pint in one sitting, at 1 am with a baby spoon, theyíre you clearly not me. The baby woke up three times last night, so I probably burned those calories already, between the walking down the hall, picking her up, stumbling to wash her binky, changing her diaper. Each trip was clearly a full ďservingĒ of ice cream. Iím pretty sure itís scientifically proven that you burn more calories when youíre sleep-deprived. Itís science.

I canít believe Iím 35 years old. In some ways, I donít really care. I have everything I wanted: a house, a doting husband, (people say that, right?) two insanely beautiful daughters, and Iím mostly healthy. I mean Iím not dying. But Iím so fat if I lose 20 pounds no one would ever notice. If I lost 20 pounds when I was 23, people would put me in the hospital and hook me up to an IV. Theyíd feed me full fat cream cheese on plain bagels. You know youíre skinny when they do that. Full fat cream cheese on plain bagels, slim jims and kit kats was my diet when I was 23. Apparently the half-life of full fat cream cheese on plain bagels, slim jims and kit kats is 12 years.

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