2004-02-07 @ I suck PM
Alright, I'm sorry that my diary has recently been bombarded with 'actual life shit' but whatever I'm having a rough time lately.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend. It KILLS me to hurt the person I care most about. I'm just not ready to have a relationship lke this. I need to start my life and be happy on my own. I hate to hear him cry and to hurt him. I love him so much, but I just can't be with anyone right now. I feel like shit. I'm crying right now b/c I just feel like shit so bad. I hate hurting him. I hate it. I fucking suck right now.
And the whole school thing, I know I bitch about it all the time, but it is killing me. The school hasn't gotten back to me yet. Am I done with school or what? And one of my best friends who is the same age as me got a phat ass raise and is making bank, while I struggle to find a full time job.
Which brings me to the demo reel situation. I used to work for a small production house where I was their editor. I quit last summer because I wanted to graduate from school. The problem is when someone is a production/editor/videographer, whatever we have to have demo reels. It's like a portfolio. Here I have on my resume, 'editor' for half a year and I have nothing to show for it. It is beyond frustrating. I may not be the best editor, but I am proud of some of the stuff I did there. I have been patiently waiting for over 7 months to get some copies of some of the work I did there. My former employer has not had time to give them to me. I am not the type to be pushy, but I tried to be just once, and that didn't work. I liked working there, I thought I got along well with my boss, but it's just so frustrating to try and be assertive, to show how much I really would like copes of my work. I cannot give possible employers my current demo reel with just stupid school projects and home movies. I NEED those videos. I don't know what to do. Everyone I know has volunteered to go in there with me and try and get them. But I get intimitated. It's the same thing with all my sitautions, I'm scared. I'm scared of people getting mad at me, I 'm scared of hurting people's feelings, I'm scared of getting turned down, of people thinking bad of me. Why can't I just do what I need to do?
Most people I know say to just forget the videos, to just not have them on there. But the employers I want to apply to say they need a demo. I am not going to get a job with what I have. I'm ready to move out, get a job, start my fucking life and it's like those tapes will really help me. fuck
sorry you dont have to leave comments. I'll probably delete this in a minute anyway. I'm so pathetic. I promise one day I'll try and be funny again. I should just start another diary of all my actual shit. I'm just really upset right now and want to shove my head in an oven.