Hello, neighbor! I'm TV's "Chickie-Legs" and today we are going to talk about keys.

That's right. Keys. Perhaps you have heard of them? You seem to have about 3,000 of them on your keychain (for God knows what reason), so I imagine you are familiar with the concept.

Did you have a nice day today? I imagine that you are some sort of janitor in a military boarding school. Or perhaps you're moonlighting as a locksmith after a long day of blueprinting new ideas to piss me off? If so, you would think that after using these pieces of metal that open doors all your life, you would be able to figure out which key goes where.

My only explanation is that you are either 1) blind 2) have alzheimer's, or 3) you're extremely jealous of my massive amounts of candy, ice cream and abillity to use my brain effectively.

How long have you lived here now, Mr. and Ms. Neighbor Across the Hallway? Oh that's right 3 friggin' weeks. What a coincidence! Me too! And guess how long it took ME to figure out which key opens the door?

Yes, that's right I must be some sort of genius, because it only took me one day. Well, to be fair, one entrance to my apartment.

Every night when you come home from your drafting table you fumble with the keys and systematically try every single key on both locks.

I mean seriously. Come on.

Seriously.

Sometimes I just stand in front of my door with my arms up in the strangling position. If you only knew that the only thing between me and your death was my front door, would you be able to open your door then?

Tomorrow morning expect a present from me, Dear Neighbor. Not the traditional bundt cake, nor the flaming bag of poo (although I might throw that in as a bonus), but color key tags and a chart on your door explaining the color scheme.

I thank you for your time reading this Chickie's Neighbor, and I look forward to not hearing from you again.

Lovingly yours,

Chickie "Beffie" Legs