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Clever Title Goes Here

2004-02-02 @ 11:56 p.m.

Clever Title Goes Here

So with the recent free time I have come into (not being able to find a full time job with the never ending dilema of both graduating from college and completing my demo}, I have begun to do some reflection.

How did I end up here? What choices could I have made earlier that would have affected where I am now? Perhaps it is the generous portions of kool-aid I have been recently consuming or more probably the fact that I saw "The Butterfly Effect" last week, but I have been doing some research.

The real first love of my life was when I was 7 years old when I lived in Pleasanton, California. It was the second grade and his name was Daniel. That april we moved to Virginia and I never heard from him since. Yesterday I found the Valentine's day letter he sent me all those years ago. It was the sweetest thing in the whole world. He wrote on many slips of paper little messages like "I love you", "Do you love me?" "I hope you just said yes, or I will be sad", "I know I am only 8, but I want to marry you", and so on.

So then I thought I could find him online. I could 'google' him as people say. So I typed his name in and found many different Daniel's. Was he the Daniel that beccame a musician? Did he manage a small store in Arizona? Did he graduate from college with a scholarship in football? He could have turned out to be so many different things. Because at that age, anything is possible.

Why did I turn out like this? Why am I the oldest person I know still struggling to finish school, living at home with no money, no full time job. I know I have potential, I know what I want to do. But I'm stuck here until it happens.

I know there are so many far worse situations than mine, but F you, it's my diary, I'll say what I want.

It's so embarrassing when I hang out with some of my friends and some of them are graduating with their masters' before I get my bachelor's. I shouldn't care about what other people think, but I do. Not to mention the fact that a lot of them are married or getting married soon. I'm 25 now, and I don't feel ready for that at all.

I can't even stand up to people. And when I do, I get shot down. I get stepped on by everybody, I'm too shy to say what I really feel, what is necessary. But when I finally do something about it, to try and accomplish something, I just end up pissing people off. It's so frustrating, to be so close to something, and to not know when you will reach it. This entry has been ultra boring, but it doesn't matter anymore. You started reading it, so it's your fault, really.

Maybe that's why I made my new layout like it is now. I feel trapped in more ways than one. I promise I will only write one serious entry for every couple of months for those of you that are not entertained. Are you not entertained!!?? And oh yeah, hopefully no more cliche's for the rest of this entry, at least. I will probably end up deleting this entry later anyway.

Anyway thanks to those of you that read this every day and thanks for your support, now hand over those wine coolers.

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