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A shot in the dark

2008-07-16 @ 2:21 a.m.

I never thought I would say this, but sometimes I actually miss being pregnant. Of course having a 'legitimate' excuse to eat whatever I want is at the top of this list...
Some other things I miss are
1. Late night guesses of what body part of Isabel's was sticking out of my giant belly.
2. Daily foot rubs from Angel (what made him think that he could stop??)
3. Being able to 'sleep in' on the weekends (towards the end this became impossible with the hourly potty breaks of course)
4. Counting down to meeting my little Angel, and all the guessing that came with it. Whose eyes will she have and so forth.
5. But most ironic of all I miss her being with me at all times. I remember saying that I couldn't wait to see her so I knew that she was ok. But now I wish that she was still with me so that I could protect her from everything on the outside. I still struggle with biting my tongue when anyone else holds her, feeds her or touches her (even Angel I'm embarrassed to say). I do hope that this is normal. The recent cause of unnecessary Bethie worry are vaccinations. I have an 11 year old cousin who is severly autistic and my family is convinced that it is because of vaccinations he received when he was a newborn. I have done SO much research online to where I'm just totally confused. I have to weigh the risks of horrible side effects of the shots to the possibility of receiving the disease and how bad that disease is. I have become so obsessed with this that it literally keeps me up at night reading page after page online. My decision at this point is to give her vaccinations, but not at the specific schedule that is suggested. At her 2 month appointment last week they wanted to give her 6 vaccinations. I only allowed for 3, even though I went in wanting none. My doctor gave me a bit of a hard time and Angel thinks I'm completely paranoid. Its a tough position to be in because my mom thinks I shouldn't give her any, but because so many parents aren't vaccinating their kids, previously eradicated diseases are reappearing in the US. Its very frustrating and heart wrenching. I pray that I'm making the right decision and that God watches over and protects my little Isabel.
In other news I go back to work next week. I have been away for 11 weeks. It has gone by so quickly it makes me cry. I am becoming more and more anxious as next week approaches. Going from 24 hour Isabel time to working 50 stressful hours a week is going to have a huge effect on me. Its been so long since I edited I hope that I can go right back to it. But I'm afraid that I wont remember how to use the avid or something. I wish I didnt worry all the time. Its been a life long struggle that I dont know that I'll ever get rid of. But in the end I know how insanely blessed I am. I have a healthy baby girl, an amazing husband, a supportive job and the most loving family. I just need to work on my seemingly eternal, internal demons.

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