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Coming this Spring: "The Receptionist"

2005-03-04 @ 12:16 a.m.

5,4,3,2,1, EDIT

So my good news is that I was (quasi) officially told I will no longer be forced to drag my tin cup against the wall to signify I need someone to cover for me so I can pee. I was informed that my voice will no longer be heard throughout the building as I page Mak to "please dial zero. *long pause* Mak please....dial zero. For the love of God woman, dial zero". It seems the papers will be neatly folded and placed on the lobby table without me having anything to do with it. The telelvision will be turned onto Fox News while the radio is switched to the local classical station and I'll be no where in sight. Why?

Because as of April 1st, I will throw away my high heels and dust off my gangsta tennis shoes and krunk hats. I'll leave my job as the Best Receptionst Ever and waltz about 10 feet into the production office and morph into..the Best Assistant Editor EVER. Man did they underestimate my skills or what. It only took them a year to realize that I miraculously mastered all things receptionary. (Real quick study these people.) They won't know what hit them. Now that I have conqured the complexity of answering phones, using the pager system, greeting people, sending fedex's, arranging newspapers and eating cookies, I can't fathom not being able to handle fetching coffee, taking lunch orders and maybe logging some tapes. Well ok, I'll be doing a lot more than that. But frankly, I don't care WHAT I do. Because it won't be at that desk. So even though most of the details haven't been worked out, (like salary, my income and what I'll be making), I can honestly say that right now I'm just thrilled that they realize this is what I came there for. It's really ridiculous to me that I've been there a year now. (as of March 8) It's the longest I've worked at one job, so I think that's quite an accomplishment (being that answering the phones is one of the worst jobs invented) (well maybe not, but it kinda sucks)

Right..so even though the approximate date I was given was 'April 1st'; I'm going to assume that this isn't some sort of cruely elaborate and ridiuclously long-planned April Fool's joke. The only stipulation is that we have to find a replacement. I'm going to approach VH1 and make a hit reality show out of this. 'The Receptionist'.

I'll get to interview the candidates and make them do various tasks to see if they can maintain the Bethie Gold Standard. And when I let one of them go, I'll page their goofy nickname over the loud speaker and yell 'you suck at being a receptionist, and you should not consider doing this for a living!'.
I know, i know, it's kinda long, but Trump has trademarked every possible variation of 'you're fired' or 'you're NOT hired' or 'you should quit now, because I'm going to fire you if you don't'. I think after a while I might just shorten mine to 'YSABARAYSNCDTFAL'. Shirts are coming soon.
The first challenge for the The Replacement is to arrange the newspapers and magazines by reverse alphabetical order of the second letter of the third word and by size. The first one to get it right has to make coffee in less than a minute. And she's not allowed to use the coffee machine. She has to grind the beans herself by starting a fire from yesterday's papers and using old toner cartridges.

I smell a hit! Or at least burnt toner! Either way I won't have to answer the phones in 28 days.

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