Fa Fa Fa Fa Fashion!
2005-01-08 @ 3:05 a.m.
Something has been bothering me for some time now. I have been trying to hold my tongue...but I see no point in hiding how I feel.
Okay, I did not say anything this past fall when the latest trends included thick tweed blazers and skirts, insanely huge lapel accessories such as fake flowers and broches the size of grapefruits. I didn't even utter or eat a marshmellow peep when I saw women walk down the street oblivious to the fact that they were wrapped in colorful carpet-inspired blazers with matching Molono Blahnik's, while being maliciously attacked by Mr. Little Shop of Horror himself.
But now..as apparentlly Spring is approaching, (according to department stores)..(despite that it is in fact, the first week of January) I am going to comment on the coming season's 'high fashion'.
First we have what I like to call the "Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman". This outfit includes a fitted tank top underneath a very small long-sleeved-shirt, tied right below the chest. This says : "I'm 32, but on the inside I am a care-free six-year-old-girl skipping rope and eating strawberries in the sticky summer sun."
The woman who wears this outfit is secure in her self, but clearly confused as to what age she actually is. Her daily activities range from corporate meetings to rolling down a hill in an old tire.
This next outfit is titled "Vidalia". This is because it is inspired by the onion in both color, shape, and odor. Well maybe not odor, but it definitely just plain stinks. The woman who chooses to wear this is saying "I wish Halloween was every day of the year, then this outfit might actually make sense...eventually."
The designer of this next outfit certainly has their finger on the pulse of the average American woman's fashion sense. Well maybe not their pulse, more like rammed down their throat. The dress only comes in this fabric because it so convienently camoflagues all of the puke that was clearly used as its inspiration and its abiltiy to wear it. Not only will all stains be cleverly disguised, but it shows off this model's non-existent curves so much that she is forced to put her arm in such a position as to indicate that she might actually have hips. Either that, or she is physically holding her bones together so she does not collapse from complete malnourishment and lack of yummy chocolates.
Here we have the "Purple Rained On My Parade." This model is clearly thrilled to wear this little frock, and frankly, who can blame her. I mean she is getting paid to sport this thing and she still gives off attitude about it. This dress is ideal for the woman who is suffering from a 'ruffled-fat-butt-day' (don't even act like you haven't) This goes perfect with such accessories as: Heroin Needle Hair-Clip, Gucci brand Stripper Edible Thong and a Prada Laxative-Filled Clutch.
Next is the "Cold-Shoulder-Clavicle-Capelit". My theory is that every year the fashion world gets together and conspires to 'feature' a different body part. This year? Oh yeah, the clavicle. My suggestion for next year is the Modula Oblangada. Oh yeah looks it up Saks, you might need it after the revolt against your tacky over-priced clothing and your $570 diamond encrusted 'couture' socks.
Ready for a party? Now it's time to celebrate once we put on the elegent "Happy Birthday Mr. President". For a measly $1278,99, you too can wear this white fitted dress with lace trim, complete with a gigantor strategically placed bow on your boobies. "Tie a ribbon around the old trophy wife" was the song inspired for this dress evidently. The look on this model's face is priceless...well actually not really, it's irrationally expensive . It'll cost you your trust fund and your opinion to actually think for yourself.
I don't know about you, but whenever I go to the beach I never forget my stilettos and full-out pancake make up. But now I know what I've been missing. A $700 hideously flower-designed cover-up. Sure, I might not get a tan. I might even get a sprained ankle. But damn I'll look good. What's that you say? I'll still look like crap? Well at least I'm rich, so suck it. And that's exactly what this outfit says. "suck it".
Yeah, so I'm not so sure what is going on through the minds of some of these designers. They can't seem to get together to decide what decade they want to pathetically reproduce this year. They throw some horrendous 80's fashion that wasn't even cool in the 80's, a bit of new-wave cliche's, futuristic Star Trek inspired like-uniforms and pretty much anything else they think they can get away with. My theory is that they secretly sit around in jeans and t-shirts laughing hysterically at those who not only pretend to like it to 'fit in' but pay an exorbitant amount to wear it.
I, for one, refuse to be willingly attacked by clip-on-carnations and flea-infested carpet shirts; I will go on wearing clothes that as my mother often says make me "look like a boy". Well, at least boys don't have to stop eating for two weeks to fit into their 'barely there' dress and CapeCodCapelit
Nothing comes between my Calvin's? No, nothing comes between me and my weekly bucket o'ice cream.