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The Fab Fad Three of Dieting

2004-01-08 @ 4:11 a.m.

The Fab Fad Three
(of dieting)

So it is the new year. And the advertisers know it. What are number one commercials running right now?

Diet commercials. Because these people are smart. They know that this is the perfect time to shove Slim Fast and Trimspa in your face. Why?

Because America is the 'fattest' nation, and we are ALL making new year's resolutions to ...lose weight.

This is the biggest time of year for people to try and lose weight. But it usually lasts a month at the most. Which is why I chose to gain weight this year. That way I won't be feeling guilty. Plus ice cream was made to be eaten dammit, and if all of you are 'dieting' than who is going to eat all this frickin ice cream?!?

So what are the 'fad' diets out there right now? My parents are on the 'South Beach Diet'....okay cuz that makes sense. Then there's Weight Watchers, Slimfast and Anna Nicole's 'Trimspa' aka Lypo-suction, just to name a few.

Here are just a few of the diets that I have developed; such as the

* Toothpaste diet :

That's right not only do you get cleaner teeth, but since NOTHING tastes good after brushing your teeth, you lose weight simply by brushing your teeth again as soon as the pasty-crunchy-just-brushed-your-teeth-feeling has gone.

* The Mirror Diet

All you have to do glue a 'fat circus' mirror to the front of your refridgerator, and everytime you go to grab something you will see yourself as grotesquely larger than you are. The Mirror Diet also includes tiny mirrors to be attached to all of your forks and spoons because no one likes to watch themselves eat.

* The Remote Diet

Since all of us here watch tv all the time pretending that merely thinking about getting up and exercising burns enough calories to not warrant getting up and exercising, we have the Remote Diet. All you have to do is pay someone $10 to take all of your remotes. So you are either FORCED to get up everytime you want to change the channel, or sit there and watch the same channel all friggin day. But then you become so enraged that you eventually GET UP and perhaps take a walk somewhere.

All of these diets and more are offered in my 12 Step 'How to Lose Weight the Chickie Way" by Yours Truly. In merely 4 steps you can lose up to 15 lbs! (why is there always a limit to these diets anyway??) The other 8 steps are reserved for the first 8 steps to your 12-Step Anorexia/AA Rehabilitation program. What do you have to lose?

Hello! I already said, 15 lbs!!

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