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What a Maroon

2004-08-24 @ 9:37 a.m.

What a Maroon.

While at the concert, I started feeling bad about dipping John Mayer's cousin in tarter sauce at Coastal Flats celebrating Patch's birthday last week, but dammit I had a hankering for 'fish n' chips'. Not that they actually called it that, for this isn't ye old England. I think they named it 'fried grouper with french fries' or something exoctic-sounding like that.

In case you are confused and are not familiar with the tongue-slathering-singing-Mayer, I suggest you watch MTV during the one hour of the day that they actually play videos. (4-5 am) Wait until one of his videos come on and be in awe of the Mayer of Awesome-town. The way he sings is best described by comparing him to a dying catfish head, sans whiskers. Every so often his mouth opens real wide, as he sings songs of love lost, searching for love and being in love. His wide spectrum of song subjects and ability to swoon all the young ladies into a high pitched scream made for an interesting night. Patch had received the tickets from his friend, Chip, who acquired a gig at the last minute. We actually had pretty good seats. We went to the concession stand and bought a 'large' cup of pepsi (read 136 oz), two pretzels and a tray of nachos. $46 dollars lighter we ventured towards our seats. Several people started approaching us; 'Trojan' condom represenatives, kids urging voter registration, t-shirt vendors and ushers. Here's the thing to remember- My brother and I look NOTHING alike. Patch: 6'4" blond, blue eyes, thin. Me: 5'8" brown hair, brown eyes, not that thin. People automatically assume we are boyfriend/girlfriend. Patch scored a condom and winked at me, which I thought was completely unnecessary.

Maroon 5 was the opening act. Yet another love ballader with an unhealthy obsession over a former flame. But his stuff was pretty tight. Plus he's hot, which didn't hurt my feelings either. Apparently all the girls surrounding us were in love with him too, for they felt it necessary to proclaim that to him every couple of minutes with girlish squeals and whoops. They also thought it was a good idea to sing-along with him as if they could comprehend the concept of an actual key.

Some of the funniest moments of the evening were during the ballads. I've never understood the waving-lighters ritual, but this was taking it to a new level. Apparently the new hotness is to sway side to side waving your open cell phone in the air. Patch and I looked at each other in hysterics as we scanned through the crowd eyeing upwards of 100 dorks waving THEIR CELL PHONE. What an age we are living in.

Soon into the concert we realized that we are 'those people' Meaning: concert snobs. Well, let's be honest, snobs in general. We have the same sense of humor and we always somehow ending up just making fun of everything and everyone. Not in a mean spirited way per se', but just....very observative. Yeah let's call it that.

As we waited in line amongst the lines of cars to leave the parking lot, we heard what can be best described as 'the most pathetic thing ever'. These people just left a John Mayer/Maroon 5 concert, and what did they choose to listen to in their cars? But of course, John Mayer and/or Maroon 5. These people just can't get enough. It was some sort of brain warp where every other car was playing a different John Mayer song at different spots in the song, transferring us to different parts of the concert. Patch decided Rufus Wainwright was the best way to go, for which I disagreed immensely. No offense to Rufus, but I can't stand his singing. He's even more whiny than Mayer. But that's a whole nother tale.

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