Queen of the Flies
2004-01-06 @ 4:32 a.m.
Okay so check this out: My house is infested. "With what?"
Oh yeah. And big suckers too. Be prepared to be grossed the F out.
So about a few weeks ago we started to smell something in the kitchen. At first we thought it was the hobo we kept in the attic. Nope, he was still alive, and we hose him down weekly, so that clearly wasn't it.
Maybe it was the dirty dishes in the sink piled up to the celing. (Well it was piled up to the attic, that's how we feed said hobo, he just eats the old food on the dishes and then cleans them for us.)
But no, that wasn't it either. It seemed as though it was coming from behind the dishwasher. That's when the flies appeared. And not just a few. Hundreds, nay MILLIONS.... ROUNDED UP TO THE NEAREST millions. They were mostly in the kitchen hovering near the lights. Then began the Hourly-Fly-Killing-Rampage-Competition. Everyone in the house collects their weapon of choice. I turn on the Cd player to Ozzie's Crazytrain...just when you hear the first 'I, I, I!!', we begin.
My mother goes with the old-stand by Fly Swatter. Patchie goes with his drumsticks. Dad grabs his Texas Longhorns that he always keeps nearby to remind him of the fact that he is from Texas. And I usually go with the empty paper towel roll. "Stand positions! Go!"
One day my mom killed 22. 22! I think the ritalin is working well for her. And here we are WEEKS later and the exterminator has not been called. Why? Who knows, maybe my parents have been bitten and have already began the metomorphosis into the Half Parents-Half Fly. I don't care how much I love them, I am a Fly Killing Machine and no matter how much they scream 'Help me!!!"...
One of the theories of the source of the flies is that our house has been demonized, and that the apocloypse is soon.
First come the flies, then the frogs, then the monkeys. But monkeys flying out of the sky wouldn't be that bad...I mean if it's the cute, little cuddly kind of monkey. Not like the mean monkey that starts flesh eating viruses. That would kinda suck. I think I could deal with cute monkeys.
The worst part is sometimes when I am around the house I think I am being attacked by Darth Maul because a fly will buzz right by me and I swear it sounds just like a light sabre. And there's nothing scarier than realizing that you're a huge dork that automatically assumes it's a light sabre attacking you. (just kidding Josh!)