An Odd One for Sure
2005-12-18 @ 2:59 a.m.
The following is a little taste into my world:
I miss it.
I used to love signing onto my little diaryland world, creating stories, re-telling the events of my day with goofy anecdotes and silly pictures.
Now it seems my world has been enveloped with work, family and Angel. Not that that's a bad thing. It's a very good thing. I just miss it. I wish my brain functioned the same way all the time.
I haven't seen my therapist in a while now. I'm debating whether to see her again. I've been having weird thoughts lately. I attribute it to my yearly 'Seasonal Affective Disorder'. Or "SAD". Even the acronym for the disorder is depressing. Why couldn't they call it something else so they don't have to rub in the fact that I'm a depressive state of goo around this time of year? I suggest an upgrade: "Really Awesome Disorder" or 'RAD' for short. Then I'll feel a little bit about myself when I realize how RAD it is to be highly depressive filled with painful thoughts and bad, very bad ideas. However, this go around I'm not so depressed as just having weird ass plain obsessive thinking.
The other night I had such an 'attack' on my mind where Angel had to witness it. It's kind of embarrassing when I can't control my brain. Don't freak out, but here's an example: Basically for the past 13 years or so I have this weird obsession with counting letters in words. Whenever someone is talking, I see the word visually in my head and I count to see if it is an odd or even number of letters. I prefer even for the record.
One day I plan on speaking in only even words. The problem is once I happen across an 'odd' word (such as Angel or Elizabeth) I try and come up with reasons to make it even. For example the sentence: "I love you" actually becomes even when you count the spaces. When someone says this sentence, apart from the euphoria of hearing that someone actually is fond of the insanity that is me, I immediately start calculating the word. "I, space. L-O, V-E, space, Y, O-U. See, it can be grouped into two's, therefore it is even. Now not only does this occur CONSTANTLY, but I also 'see' the word being typed out on a keyboard. Not that you all would know this, but I can type Kick Ass Fast. In fact, that's when this whole thing started.
I was taking Typing my freshman year of high school when one day our teacher informed us on how to center a headline on a paper. You need to count the letters in the subject and find the middle. Of course now that we all use Word and the like this tool has become absolutely unnecessary. BUT I CAN'T. TURN. IT. OFF.
I mean I love the fact that I type fast. But I know it annoys people. Like at work someone will be walking by my office and will hear me typing. They'll come in and say 'you can't possibly be typing actual words'. Then I tell them to come over to my computer and as they are saying 'be typing actual words,', I am in fact typing 'be typing actual words.' Impressive? sure. Annoying? very.
Not sure why I'm sharing this, other than it is 3am and I slept in ridiculously late this (afternoon) (4pm) So I can't really fall asleep just yet. I'll probably delete it, but I'm too lazy to do that I think.
Crap, maybe is odd.
Or rather, 'Tomorrow is good to delete this insane tale of my lame mind."
Ah, much better.