So I was reading Dusty's Diary when I began to recall an incident that occurred during my recent "National Lampoon's Texas Vacation". This was my third time going on a plane post 9/11, and not too much has changed. The security doesn't take as long as some people continuously bitch about, but a little longer than it used to just 3 years ago. That did not bother me at all, because you never know what 98-year-old granny will intentionally bring a bazooka hidden inside her bra. Because that is the only reason I can fathom them demanding me taking off my bra and underwear. Okay that really didn't happen.

What DID happen was that I participated in the mandatory Taking-Off-the-Shoes ritual, and proceded to walk the 'Gate of Truth'. Of course the metal detector went off. Suddenly my heart began to race. 'Oh crap, did I forget to remove my semi-automatic? Did I leave my grenade in my sock? Did I forget to turn off the coffee? Wait a minute, I don't drink coffee. Why do I have a coffee maker?What about the doors? Did I lock them?' (Yeah I'm even ADD when guns are at my throat, surprisingly) Then I realized I had forgotten to take my cell phone out of my pocket.

Instantly there was a gathering of foul-smelling security guards around me. (Although I attribute that to the previously mentioned 'shoe-removal-ceremony'). I thought to myself that I seemed to appear more threatening than I planned. I was told to stand in a clearly defined 'box' marked out with tape on the floor. Clearly this 'box' prevents all danger to cease around said box. Because this was not ordinary masking tape, no, NO, it had special abilities to warp the minds inside of it. So anyway, I gave them my phone, and assured them that is what made The Gate go off. Then a lady made me spread my legs and my arms as she strategically combed over my body with the 'Magic Wand' that seems to go hand in hand with body odor.She asked me to empty out my pockets. My hands were shaking because I realized my jig was up. I didn't want to stop dancing, but like I said, dammit the jig was up.

I began to empty my pockets; this became a lengthy process because I was wearing my cargo pant-jeans. Which happens to have 240 pockets. And of course I am an equal-opportunity-pocketeer, so needless to say this took a while. The first pocket held the obligatory 35 cents in change. Mostly pennies of course. The second pocket contained a half eaten bag of King size M&M's, the third pocket revealed more change and a metal nail file, and the other pockets either had more change, candy wrappers, or a bomb. Err, I mean nothing...

Surely I thought the wanding would be done because I revealed the nail file. But by this time the rest of my family had passed the Gate of Fate and had become quite entertained by my ordeal. In fact the entire terminal became 'entertained'. This became bothersome to me, because this provided ample opportunities for my cohorts, I mean real terrorists to proceed through The Gate without being noticed. For some reason Garlic Breath with the Wand thought that this was not good enough for her metal appetite. She began to salivate, which convinced me think she was in fact, a robot. Because why else was she so fascinated by seeing so much beautiful, tasty metal go into the plastic bowls? I think she reached for her milk at one point. She then instructed me to take off my belt. At this point I gave her a look, as if to say, 'you are not about to make me take off my belt in front of these retards are you?� She saw my distaste with this notion and said that I didn't have to take it off, but just un-do it so she could 'wand' right above my crotch and above the zipper and button. Of course the wand went off because HELLO zippers are made of metal. I looked back at my family as they pointed and laughed at the scene I was causing. Somehow their zippers and buttons and keys (and guns) were suspiciously NOT made of metal. Not sure how they pulled that one off.

After she was satisfied that I did NOT have any weapons off mass destruction on my 'person', she reluctantly let me go. I grabbed my M&M's first because that was really all I cared about. I quickly snatched the rest of my random crap and shoved them into my assorted pockets. Oddly enough I grabbed my METAL NAIL FILE and she did not even care. I went through all that shit, and she didn't even take the one thing that could have been a possible weapon. She even had the audacity to scoff at my 'goodies'. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I still had chocolate on my mouth from the earlier scramble of ramming as many M&M's in my mouth before having to take off my shoes...and the fact that I'm 24 years old, but still that was un-called for.

If there's anything I learned from this ordeal it is pack as many weapons and possible weapons into your pockets as long as you also include enough random nonsensical items to distract Garlic Breath and Ms. BO-Robot. It's also a bonus to have chocolate on your face or any other type of child-like food. Also it's a good idea to bribe them with metal. (Since they are robots).