I bet if I bought �Mom jeans� no one would notice. I usually wear my husband�s shirts or a sweatshirt, anyway. And seriously, I mind as well continue to wear these maternity pants. They look like real pants, but they have an elastic waist. I don�t know why all pants aren�t like this. They�re actually pretty comfy. After two c-sections, I have ceased to own a waist. It has ceased to be. Maybe I should ask my OB about that. She could have done me a favor and took some fat out while she cut two babies out of me. It�s the least she could do. The reality is my torso is just one long blob from my chest to my butt. My waist is probably where my umbilical hernia is, right? Yeah, that sounds about right. I�m pretty sure these giant panties will cover up everything real well. Thankfully my boobs are still gigantor. I like to pretend it covers up my still pregnant-looking belly.

I can�t believe I forgot my coupons at home. This is the last day of Super Doubles at Harris Teeter, and this shampoo would have been $2.00 off. That�s such a good deal, I want to cry. Oh, look Ben and Jerry�s is on sale, so I should probably get those. I deserve it. Who are these people kidding about these serving sizes? They actually think a pint is four servings? If you don�t eat the entire pint in one sitting, at 1 am with a baby spoon, they�re you clearly not me. The baby woke up three times last night, so I probably burned those calories already, between the walking down the hall, picking her up, stumbling to wash her binky, changing her diaper. Each trip was clearly a full �serving� of ice cream. I�m pretty sure it�s scientifically proven that you burn more calories when you�re sleep-deprived. It�s science.

I can�t believe I�m 35 years old. In some ways, I don�t really care. I have everything I wanted: a house, a doting husband, (people say that, right?) two insanely beautiful daughters, and I�m mostly healthy. I mean I�m not dying. But I�m so fat if I lose 20 pounds no one would ever notice. If I lost 20 pounds when I was 23, people would put me in the hospital and hook me up to an IV. They�d feed me full fat cream cheese on plain bagels. You know you�re skinny when they do that. Full fat cream cheese on plain bagels, slim jims and kit kats was my diet when I was 23. Apparently the half-life of full fat cream cheese on plain bagels, slim jims and kit kats is 12 years.